Jealousy: The Green-Eyed Monster

Unearth its roots, understand what it does, and eliminate it for good…

O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on. –Othello

Jealousy is one of the most damaging, debilitating, and poisonous emotions known to humankind. Instead of destroying and consuming individuals outright, it slowly eats away at them like a parasite. While a little bit of jealousy is natural, it’s important to keep it in check because once it spins out of control, it ruins every relationship it touches.

What Causes It?

Past Experiences: There are a lot of things that can cause jealousy, and some are more valid than others. If you’ve been cheated on in the past, for example, you may feel slight distrust when your boyfriend goes and hangs out with female friends without you. However, it is simply unfair to project your past relationship problems onto your current relationship. Your new love interest always deserves a clean slate. It’s up to him to prove himself trustworthy or deceitful.

Insecurity: The primary cause for jealousy is insecurity, which means that jealous feelings often have much more to do with you than they have to do with your boyfriend. Sometimes those who are less than confident and secure in themselves look outwardly for reassurance, and if they don’t get it they lash out at others even though the root of the problem lies within them.

Less Than Stellar Boyfriends: The other probable cause for jealousy is completely valid and legitimate. If your boyfriend is staying out late hours without telling you where he is, if he doesn’t take your calls half the time, or he spends noticeably more time (and gives more attention) to others, then you might have some just cause for feeling jealous.

 
What Does It Do?

No matter what the cause of jealousy, it’s important to stamp it out as quickly as possible, because it will transform you into a monster and destroy your relationship. Jealousy leads naturally into hate—hatred of those you feel are a threat to you and in some cases a subconscious hatred of yourself and your boyfriend. Hate is the unhealthiest emotion anyone can experience, and if you let it take hold you will slowly but surely become someone you yourself dislikes.

If you feel jealousy, chances are your boyfriend is aware of it (whether he picks up on the clues or you allude to it). Being in a situation where someone distrusts you can be a very hurtful place, especially if your boyfriend has done nothing to cause such a reaction in you. If this goes on for a period of time, your relationship will become a downward spiral. After all, what’s the point in trying to prove himself if you already assume the worst? Sometimes, anticipating that someone will cheat on you can actually manifest it. Expecting the best of someone inspires them to be their best. Assuming the worst does the opposite.

 
How Do I Conquer It?

Communcation: Since jealousy is not a respectable emotion, many people will often try to deny that they’re feeling it or downplay its effects. However, if you feel it’s something that must be dealt with, communication is a great way to do so. If you’re uncertain whether you have just cause for feeling jealous, then simply ask your boyfriend. Be straightforward about your worries instead of letting it get to the point that you’ve become a madwoman. Simply inquire where he was on a given night, tell him you’d appreciate it if he’d answer your calls more often, or state whatever is on your mind without being accusatory. Sometimes peace of mind is just a question away. If he really cares about you, he’ll reassure you and make the proper adjustments in behavior.

Work on Your Confidence: If you suspect the main cause for your worries springs from your own insecurities, then its time to work on yourself. Focus on your positive qualities for a while and turn to activities that bring you joy. Spend time going out with friends, exploring your hobbies, and working out. The more often you do things that make you happy, the better you’ll feel about yourself, and the less likely it will be for you to fall prey to jealousy. If you’re insecure about your flaws and shortcomings, keep in mind that these things can be very endearing and beautiful to the right person. Love isn’t about having a perfect body or being the smartest or most talented of the bunch. Love yourself and others will love you more for it.

Ditch Unhealthy Relationships: Sometimes jealousy is absolutely valid, and in that case the best way to abolish it from your life is by leaving the situation that makes you feel that way. If your boyfriend ignores you, doesn’t spend sufficient time with you, frequently talks to ex-girlfriends, or gives more than just friendly attention to other girls (even after you’ve tried to communicate with him on these issues), it’s time to ditch him for someone who can give you what you want. Whether he’s guilty of cheating or not, there’s no point in staying in a situation that doesn’t make you happy.