Gods & Empires Monthly (November Issue): Flip to page 4

The next time you find yourself at your local movie rental spot browsing through the new releases or sci-fi flicks, and your eye just happens to wander across the cover of Cloverfield, do yourself a huge favor and keep on moving. No, trust me, don’t even bother to pick it up and glance over the synopsis on the back. It’s just a trap that is likely to reel you in to the most miserable, wasteful, and regrettable 85 minutes of your entire life.

            I understand human nature well enough to know that there’s no better way to get someone to do something than by telling them not to. You’ve probably already flipped the DVD case over or pulled up imdb.com to see what this atrocity is all about. The tagline is: “Some Thing Has Found Us.” They never offer you a glimpse or a clue as to the exact nature of this unspeakable monster. What a clever tactic.

            Now your curiosity must be piqued. You probably can’t help but wonder what it is that makes this movie so detestable, and you probably feel the need to discover what variety of creature the monster is. So I’ve decided to be a martyr and fill you in on these details so you don’t have to go through what I did. You’re welcome.

            First of all, you’d think someone would learn something from “The Blair Witch Project.” The camera is constantly shaking, focusing off to the right when it should be to the left, being dropped, being set down, being eaten… What a horrible idea. I’m aware that it’s attempting to create the “effect” of making viewers feel like they’re right there in the midst of the action, but it doesn’t provide the perspective of an active participant. It provides the perspective of a camcorder. And the only thing that this accomplishes is making viewers want to toss their cookies. Considering that there are various other factors that contribute to an urge to throw up in this film, this presents a very serious danger.

            The movie begins with footage that Rob had taken of his brief and lackluster romance with his friend Beth, and then cuts to Rob’s going away party where his friends are documenting the event. Hudson is finally forced to take over the task, and we learn through his meddling that the reason there is tension between Beth and Rob at the party is because Rob was a gigantic douche and never called Beth back after their romantic weekend together. Basically, we’re presented with an annoying crowd of 20-something New York trust fund babies who are engrossed in high school level drama. But what’s worse is that Hudson, the guy who is in charge of the camera, is stuck at the elementary school level. He takes it upon himself to openly gossip about the affair to everyone at the party, which leads to a nasty little altercation between Beth and Rob which ends with her leaving the party in a flurry.

            Of all the possible characters to commandeer the camera (and therefore which viewers never have a single moment apart from), they chose the most obnoxious one by far for the job. This guy does stupid things, he says stupid things, and even the way he holds the camera is stupid. The only benefit to him using the camera is that I don’t have to look at his stupid mug most of the time. When the lights suddenly go out, the foundation of the entire building shudders, a violent roar rips through the air, and the city bursts into a cacophony of panicked screaming, our dear “Hud” decides to be noble and take it upon himself to document the catastrophe. When he first emerges onto the streets, the face of the Statue of Liberty is sent flying through the air and crashing at his feet, narrowly missing him. What a damn shame.

            The plot is driven by Rob getting a voicemail from Beth after disaster strikes, letting him know that she is trapped in her apartment. After being such a monumental jerk (and in light of certain doom and death), he is completely unwavering in his dedication to rescue his damsel. Rob’s brother Jason, Jason’s girlfriend Lily, Hud, and Marlena all agree to accompany him through Hell in an attempt to save Beth.

            Witnessing what happens over the next hour of the film may have been the most uncomfortable, distressful, and ultimately miserable hour of my entire life, except for that time when I had to pay a visit to the hospital for a nine day bout with constipation. Actually I take that back. This was worse. Anyway, what I said earlier about the camera not being effective in making your feel like you were there, well… I lied because I wanted to be as critical as possible of my singularly least favorite movie of all time. It actually does make you feel like you’re there, which is inexplicably horrific, and I can’t possibly understand why anyone would want to subject themselves to it. Here are some feelings you might experience while watching this segment of the film:

• Unparalleled panic and confusion that may cause palpitations and/or cardiac arrest
• The complete breaking down and defeat of the human mind and spirit
• Pain and suffering as you have never witnessed it before
• A sudden crumbling of every belief, faith, or hope you’ve ever clung to
• A deep, overwhelming sense of desolation     
  

In literal terms, this involves the characters crossing the Brooklyn Bridge at the inopportune moment which the monster chooses to destroy it (causing Jason’s death), simultaneously dodging a gigantic beast and the military’s bullets and bombs intended for it, watching countless innocent people dropping like flies in grim and gruesome ways, being chased down a dark subway tunnel and maimed by the scorpion-like parasites that the monster releases by apparently defecating them out, and so much more.

            While the six main characters were collectively pretty annoying, I have to admit that I had a soft spot for Marlena. She seemed smarter, stronger, and less involved in the initial petty drama. That’s why it was especially frustrating to me that she experienced the worst death of all the characters. After being brutally and repeatedly stabbed by a parasite’s scorpion-tail, she is apparently infected with some kind of toxin that makes her head explode. Just after expressing that she’s not feeling so well, the camera shifts to the wall behind her which pictures her shadow. In this shadow, viewers witness her head expand considerably before bursting to pieces.

            When Hud, Rob, and Lily finally make their way to Beth’s building, they discover that it has been knocked into a diagonal position against a neighboring building. After a substantial amount of strife and effort, they manage to burst through her nth floor door and find that several stakes of rebar had pelted through her window, one of which had impaled her shoulder and left her literally tacked down to the chair she was sitting on. We then have the pleasure of listening to Beth shriek in excruciating pain as her friends lift her off of the rebar. I really didn’t think they could take the gruesomeness any further, but they proved me wrong.

            Although Beth should probably be bleeding to death, she and her companions sprint through New Hell to a military base that seems to hold the promise of escape. Lily is put into one helicopter while Hud, Beth, and Rob are ushered into another. From high in the sky, the characters watch as the military bombs the monster which is finally pictured in its entirety. It looks like a Tyrannosaurus rex. There’s a brief moment of celebration where it appears that it has been defeated, which is promptly burst when the monster rises up again and…you guessed it… swats the helicopter and sends it spiraling down to the ground.

            Miraculously, the crew of three somehow survives the high speed plummet to the earth and the monster finds his way to them. Then, he bites Hud in half. Honestly, this is the only vaguely gratifying moment of the entire film, and it only lasts for approximately ten seconds. This is not satisfying simply because I loathed Hud, but also because it meant that the end to my suffering must be very near.

            Beth and Rob flee to a nearby bridge and Rob forces a traumatized Beth to speak to the camera about what they’ve just experienced. Sirens sound through the air, warning any unlucky stragglers that they’re in danger of being bombed. One bomb causes stones and rubble to rain down on the tragic couple, and just before the next one blows them into oblivion they passionately proclaim their love for one another.

            The explosion cuts the tape to the very end of the recording of Rob and Beth’s romantic outings through New York, which was being recorded over for the duration of the going away party up until then. They looked very happy.

What a bleak, desolate, miserable movie. The only valuable thing this film has to offer is the sage advice that you should always bare your heart to the one you love while you have the chance, because a gargantuan, Tyrannosaurus-like alien may rob you of your chance to express how you really feel before you die a horrible, painful death.